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(fwd) New Languages

On Sat, 1 Feb 97 7:20:04 EST, in rec.humor.funny.reruns [email protected]
wrote:

(I saw a request on the net a while back that I think was referring to
this article or a similar one.  I first saw it in late 1984 or early
1985 so it is a little dated, but I think it still has some humor.  My
copy has no copyright notices and attributes the original to the APL
SIG newsletter.  I believe my copy came from a DECUS newsletter or
magazine.  This is a verbatim copy from my photocopy of the original.)
         Languages NOT included in the Commercial Language SIG
                     or the Languages and Tools SIG

                                   by
                              Doug Bohrer
                           Bohrer and Company
                              Near Chicago
                                  and
                              Ted A. Bear
                            NCA Corporation
                     In the heart of Silicon Valley
                                  and
                       A Usually Reliable Source
                     Digital Equipment Corporation
                        Somewhere in New England


APL, BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN, PASCAL, RPG...  these programming languages
are well known and (more or less) loved throughout the computer
industry.  There are numerous other languages, however, that are less
well known yet still have ardent devotees.  In fact, these little known
languages generally have the most fanatic admirers.  For those who wish
to know more about these obscure languages -- and why they are obscure
-- we present the following catalogue.

C-

This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is
best described as a "low-level" programming language.  In general, the
language requires more C- statements than machine code instructions to
execute a given task.  In this respect it is very similar to COBOL.

DOGO

Developed at MIOT (Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training).  DOGO
heralds a new era of computer-literate pets.  DOGO commands include
SIT, HEEL, STAY, PLAY_DEAD and ROLL_OVER.  An innovative feature of
DOGO is "puppy graphics," a small cocker spaniel that occasionally
leaves deposits as it travels across the screen.

FIFTH

FIFTH is a precise mathematical language in which the data types refer
to quantities.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT and JIGGER to
FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER MAGNUM, and BLOTTO.
Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET,
GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, CANADIAN, COORS, BUD, EVERCLEAR
and WHAT_EVERS_AROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its user.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP, LAFITE and WAITERS_RECOMMENDATION.  The GUTTER dialect commands
include THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSE_RED.  The GUTTER dialect is a
particular favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using
this language.

LAIDBACK

This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.

The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked.  Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
case.  For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
message:  "I hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that.  can
you find the time to try it again?"

LITHP

This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
an "S" in its character set.  Programmers and users must substitute
"TH."  LITHP is said to be useful prothething litht.  This language was
developed in San Francisco.

REAGAN

This language was also developed in California, but is now widely used
in Washington D.C.  It is the current subset of the international
bureaucratic language known as DOUBLESPEAK.  Commands include
REVENUE_ENHANCEMENT, STOCKMAN, CAP_WEINBERGER, MALCOMB_BALDRIDGE,
CABINET, CHOP_WOOD, LAXALT and SCENERIO.  WATT and BURFORD have been
removed from the commands while there is a current effort to add MEESE.

The operating system used is NEW_RIGHT and the designated memory is
THE_RANCH.  The compile SCENERIO is a compile with NANCY followed by a
link with BONZO resulting in a SNOOZE.  COMMIES (program bugs) are
removed with the GRENADA command.

A REAGAN program commences with LANDSLIDE and terminates with SENILITY.

RENE

Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence.  The
language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund.  A
spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
ours."

The center is very pleased with progress to date.  They say they have
almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think.  However, sources inside
the organization say that each time the machine fails to think it
ceases to exist.

SATRE

Named after the late existential philosopher, SATRE is an extremely
unstructured language.  Statements in SATRE have no purpose; they just
are.  Thus SATRE programs are left to define their own functions.  SATRE
programmers tend to be boring and depressing and are no fun at parties.

SIMPLE

SIMPLE is the acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
Linguistic Environment.  This language, developed at Hanover College
for Technological Misfists, was designed to make it impossible to write
code with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to
BEGIN, END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you
can't make a syntax error.

SLOBOL

SLOBOL is best know for the speed, or the lack of it, of the compiler.
Although may compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, the SLOBOL compiler allows you to travel to Columbia to pick
the coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.

VALGOL

From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando
Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
industry.

VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL and Y*KNOW.  Variables are
assigned with the =LIKE and +TOTALLY operators.  Other operators
include the California Booleans, AX and NOWAY.  Repetitions of code are
handled in FOR - SURE loops.

Here is a sample program:
        LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
IF PIZZA                =LIKE BITCHEN AND
GUY                     =LIKE TUBULAR AND
VALLEY GIRL             =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
THEN

        FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
                DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
                BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
        SURE

        LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
        REALLY
        LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
        IM*SURE
        GOTO THE MALL


VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages.  For example,
when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
message:

GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!

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