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1998 Darwin Awards
----- Forwarded message from Jason Fesler <[email protected]> -----
From: Jason Fesler <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Darin awards 98
THE 1998 DARWIN AWARDS
They have finally been released! The 1998 DARWIN AWARDS!!!
For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual
honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene
pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most
extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year
has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained
their whole lives for this event. Entries this year have not
had the elan of some previous ones, but are a worthy
catalogue of stupidity, incompetence and bad luck
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to
kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the
bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio
Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting
to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom
in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the
first and second floors of his house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township,
NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a
quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While
driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite
and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,
but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia,
an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur
bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of
matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and
one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull
against [a town of] a thousand morons."
5. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February
in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said
he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into
his mouth and pull the trigger.
6. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario,
Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on
collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they
were playing with their snowmobiles.
SOME MORE ALSO RANS
1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre
accidents. Gerri Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused
by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of
whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan
Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first
two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.
Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day
of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her assets
at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really
close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it
couldn't have been for more than two seconds".
However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his
cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson
Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was
cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the
building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a
cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from
Klesick's hand. Fortunately, they have been reattached, but with
partial nerve damage. Moeller's wound was caused by a
falling piece of the medical building.
2. TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center
after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English
was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she
believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly
thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov
thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being
unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she
realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began
to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control
Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush
the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
3. La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was
released from a trauma center after having a cell phone
removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over
the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the
shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and
sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than
three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's
phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper
during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony
just cracked jokes. Three times during the extraction his
phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just
had us rolling on the floor. By the time he finished, we really
did expect to find an answering machine in there".
4. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with
several friends when one of them said they knew a person who
had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle
of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10
men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon
arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no
one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable
lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's
leg and the other end was tied to the bridge.
[and a tough lesson about elasticity followed...]
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot
off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy
river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I
can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for
me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS:
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
fed his constipated elephant, named Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative
and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up
pachyderm finally let fly--and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds
of excrement.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to
give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast
unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of
the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the
ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as
the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said
flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one
there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour
before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.
"It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."
[**it happens!]
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