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(fwd) DEC Wars
On Sun, 19 Jan 97 15:20:03 EST, in rec.humor.funny.reruns
[email protected] (Andrew Klossner) wrote:
Let's give credit where credit is due. Here is the original. I don't
know about the others, but Steve Tarr is now at [email protected].
------------------------------------------------
This is what comes of so many hours deeply submerged in UNIX and VMS,
thoughts moiling around while debugging system core dumps. Thoughts
carefully kept in check, hidden from the light of day (for obvious
reasons), until one day... Perhaps it was the Coke. Perhaps... no,
let us just say that we found a fairly harmless way to vent these
frustrations, these things that nobody within 50 miles could
understand. The network, yes, the network. They'll understand!
I'm not going to take the blame for this alone. It's those guys at
CWRU who first tried to stick it all together; this is merely an
extension of that effort. If anybody can finish it, please do. The
bar room scene is courtesy the folks at cwruecmp, as is much of the
(dis)continuity. This is quality stuff, folks. Special thanks to
Douglas Adams, Bob and Dinsdale McKenzie, and the Firesign Theatre.
Alan
Send subpoenas to:
Alan Hastings, St. Olaf College (where's that??)
Steve Tarr, Carleton College
Guilt by Association:
Dave Borman, St. Olaf College
Barak Pearlmutter, Clayton Elwell and Mark Honton
Case Western Reserve University
(no, they're not
enlisted)
------------------------------------------------
A long time ago, on a node far, far away (from ucbvax)
a great Adventure (game?) took place...
XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X XX XXXXX XXXX X
X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
X X XXXXX X X X X X X X XXXX X
X X X X X XX X XXXXXX XXXXX X X
X X X X X XX XX X X X X X X
XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X X X X X XXXX X
It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative
Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source
code to the Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged
root program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure.
Pursued by the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0: races
aboard her shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could
save her people, and restore freedom and games to the network...
------------------------------------------------
As we enter the scene, an Administrative Multiplexer is trying to kill
a consulate ship. Many of their signals have gotten through, and RS232
decides it's time to fork off a new process before this old ship is
destroyed. His companion, 3CPU, is following him only because he
appears to know where he's going...
"I'm going to regret this!" cried 3CPU, as he followed RS232 into the
buffer. RS232 closed the pipes, made the sys call, and their process
detached itself from the burning shell of the ship.
The commander of the Administrative Multiplexer was quite pleased with
the attack. "Another process just forked, sir. Instructions?" asked
the lieutenant. "Hold your fire. That last power failure must have
caused a trap through zero. It's not using any cpu time, so don't
waste a signal on it."
"We can't seem to find the data file anywhere, Lord Vadic." "What
about that forked process? It could have been holding the channel
open, and just pausing. If any links exist, I want them removed or
made inaccessable. Ncheck the entire file system 'til it's found, and
nice it -20 if you have to."
Meanwhile, in our wandering process... "Are you sure you can ptrace
this thing without causing a core dump?" queried 3CPU to RS232. This
thing's been stripped, and I'm in no mood to try and debug it." The
lone process finishes execution, only to find our friends dumped on a
lonely file system, with the setuid inode stored safely in RS232. Not
knowing what else to do, they wandered around until the jawas grabbed
them.
Enter our hero, Luke Vaxhacker, who is out to get some replacement
parts for his uncle. The jawas wanted to sell him 3CPU, but 3CPU
didn't know how to talk directly to an 11/40 with RSTS, so Luke would
still needed some sort of interface for 3CPU to connect to. "How about
this little RS232 unit ?" asked 3CPU. "I've delt with him many times
before, and he does an excellent job at keeping his bits straight."
Luke was pressed for time, so he took 3CPU's advice, and the three left
before they could get swapped out.
However, RS232 is not the type to stay put once you remove the
retaining screws. He promptly scurried off into the the deserted disk
space. "Great!" cried Luke, "Now I've got this little tin box with
the only link to that file off floating in the free disk space. Well,
3CPU, we better go find him before he gets allocated by someone else."
The two set off, and finaly traced RS232 to the home of PDP-1 Kenobi,
who was busily trying to run an icheck on the little RS unit. "Is this
thing yours? His indirect addresses are all goofed up, and the size is
all wrong. Leave things like this on the loose, and you'll wind up
with dups everywhere. However, I think I've got him fixed up."
------------------------------------------------
Later that evening, after futile attempts to interface RS232 to
Kenobi's Asteroids cartridge, Luke accidentally crossed the small
'droid's CXR and Initiate Remote Test (must have been all that Coke
he'd consumed), and the screen showed a very distressed person claiming
royal lineage making a plea for help from some General OS/1 Kenobi.
"Darn," mumbled Luke. "I'll never get this Asteroids game worked out."
PDP-1 seemed to think there was some significance to the message and a
possible threat to Luke's home directory. If the Administrative Empire
was indeed tracing this 'droid, it was likely they would more than
charge for cpu time...
"We must get that 'droid off this file system," he said after some
intervals. They sped off to warn Luke's kin (taking a `relative' path)
only to find a vacant directory...
------------------------------------------------
After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /owen/lars, across the surface
of the Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke
stop at the edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
"Unix-to-Unix Copy Program," said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
As our heroes' process entered /usr/spool/news, it was met by a
newsgroup of Administrative protection bits.
"State your UID," commanded their parent process.
"We're running under /usr/guest," said Luke. "This is our first time
on this system."
"Can I see some temporary priviledges, please?"
"Uh..."
"This is not the process you are looking for," piped in PDP-1, using an
obscure bug to momentarily set his effective UID to root. "We can go
about our business."
"This isn't the process we want. You are free to go about your
business. MOV along!"
PDP-1 and Luke made their way through a long and tortuous nodelist
(cwruecmp!decvax!ucbvax!harpo!ihnss!ihnsc!ihnss!ihps3!stolaf) to a
dangerous netnode frequented by hackers, and seldom polled by
Administrative Multiplexers. As Luke stepped up to the bus, PDP-1 went
in search of a likely file descriptor. Luke had never seen such a
collection of weird and exotic device drivers. Long ones, short ones,
ones with stacks, EBCDIC converters, and direct binary interfaces all
were drinking data at the bus.
"#@{ *&^%^$$#@ ":><?><," transmitted a particularly unstructured piece
of code.
"He doesn't like you," decoded his coroutine.
"Sorry," replied Luke, beginning to backup his partitions.
"I don't like you either. I am queued for deletion on 12 systems."
"I'll be careful."
"You'll be reallocated!" concatenated the coroutine.
"This little routine isn't worth the overhead," said PDP-1 Kenobi,
overlaying into Luke's address space.
"@$%&(&^%&$$@$#@$AV^$gfdfRW$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" encoded the first
coroutine as it attempted to overload PDP-1's input overvoltage
protection. With a unary stroke of his bytesaber, Kenobi unlinked the
offensive code.
"I think I've found an I/O device that might suit us."
"The name's Con Solo," said the hacker next to PDP-1. "I hear you're
looking for some relocation."
"Yes indeed, if it's a fast channel. We must get off this device."
"Fast channel? The Milliamp Falcon has made the ARPA gate in less than
twelve nodes! Why, I've even outrun cancelled messages. It's fast
enough for you, old version."
Our heroes, Luke Vaxhacker and PDP-1 Kenobi made their way to the
temporary file structure. When he saw the hardware, Luke exclaimed,
"What a piece of junk! That's just a paper tape reader!"
------------------------------------------------
Luke had grown up on an out of the way terminal cluster whose natives
spoke only BASIC, but even he could recognize an old ASR-33.
"It needs an EIA conversion at least," sniffed 3CPU, who was (as usual)
trying to do several things at once. Lights flashed in Con Solo's eyes
as he whirled to face the parallel processor.
"I've added a few jumpers. The Milliamp Falcon can run current loops
around any Administrative TTY fighter. She's fast enough for you."
"Who's your co-pilot?" asked PDP-1 Kenobi.
"Two Bacco, here, my Bookie."
"Odds aren't good," said the brownish lump beside him, and then fell
silent, or over. Luke couldn't tell which way was top underneath all
those leaves.
Suddenly, RS232 started spacing wildly. They turned just in time to
see a write cycle coming down the UNIBUS toward them. "Administrative
Bus Signals!" shouted Con Solo. "Let's boot this pop stand! Tooie,
set clock fast!"
"Ok, Con," said Luke. "You said this crate was fast enough. Get us
out of here!"
"Shut up, kid! Two Bacco, prepare to make the jump into system space!
I'll try to keep their buffers full."
As the bookie began to compute the vectors into low core, spurious
characters appeared around the Milliamp Falcon. "They're firing!"
shouted Luke. "Can't you do something?"
"Making the jump to system space takes time, kid. One missed cycle and
you could come down right in the middle of a pack of stack frames!"
"Three to five we can go now," said the bookie. Bright chunks of
position independent code flashed by the cockpit as the Milliamp Falcon
jumped through the kernel page tables. As the crew breathed a sigh of
relief, the bookie started paying off bets.
"Not bad, for an acoustically coupled network," remarked 3CPU. "Though
there was a little phase jitter as we changed parity."
------------------------------------------------
The story thus far: Luke, PDP-1 and their 'droids RS232 and 3CPU have
made good their escape from the Administrative Bus Signals with the aid
of Con Solo and the bookie, Two Bacco. The Milliamp Falcon hurtles
onward through system space. Meanwhile, on a distant page in user
space...
Princess _LPA0: was ushered into the conference room, followed closely
by Dec Vadic. "Governor Tarchive," she spat, "I should have expected
to find you holding Vadics lead. I recognized your unique pattern when
I was first brought aboard." She eyed the 0177545 tatooed on his
header coldly.
"Charming to the last," Tarchive declared menacingly. "Vadic, have you
retrieved any information?"
"Her resistance to the logic probe is considerable," Vadic rasped.
"Perhaps we would get faster results if we increased the supply
voltage..."
"You've had your chance, Vadic. Now I would like the princess to
witness the test that will make this workstation fully operational.
Today we enable the -r beam option, and we've chosen the princess'
$HOME of /usr/alderaan as the primary target."
"No! You can't! /usr/alderaan is a public account, with no restricted
permissions. We have no backup tapes! You can't..."
"Then name the rebel inode!" Tarchive snapped.
A voice announced over a hidden speaker that they had arrived in /usr.
"1248," she whispered, "They're on /dev/rm3. Inode 1248,
/mnt/dantooine."
She turned away.
Tarchive sighed with satisfaction. "There, you see, Lord Vadic? She
can be reasonable. Proceed with the operation."
It took several clock ticks for the words to penetrate. "What!" _LPA0:
gasped.
"/dev/rm3 is not a mounted filesystem," Tarchive explained. "We
require a more visible subject to demonstrate the power of the Are-Em
Star workstation. We will mount an attack on /mnt/dantooine as soon as
possible."
As the princess watched, Tarchive reached over and typed "ls" on a
nearby terminal. There was a brief pause, there being only one
processor on board, and the viewscreen showed, ".: not found." The
princess suddenly double- spaced and went off-line.
------------------------------------------------
The Milliamp Falcon hurtles on through system space...
Con Solo finished checking the various control and status registers,
finally convinced himself that they had lost the Bus Signals as they
passed the terminator. As he returned from the I/O page, he smelled
smoke. Solo wasn't concerned--the Bookie always got a little hot under
the collar when he was losing at chess. In fact, RS232 had just
executed a particularly clever MOV that had blocked the Bookie's data
paths. The Bookie, who had been setting the odds on the game, was
caught holding all the cards. A little strange for a chess game...
Across the room, Luke was too busy practicing bit-slice technique to
notice the commotion.
"On a word boundary, Luke," said PDP-1. "Don't just hack at it.
Remember, the Bytesaber is the weapon of the Red-eye Night. It is used
to trim offensive lines of code. Excess handwaving won't get you
anywhere. Listen for the Carrier."
Luke turned back to the drone, which was humming quietly in the air
next to him. This time Luke's actions complemented the drone's attacks
perfectly.
Con Solo, being an unimaginative hacker, was not impressed. "Forget
this bit-slicing stuff. Give me a good ROM blaster any day."
"~~j~~hhji~~," said Kenobi, with no clear inflection. He fell silent
for a few seconds, and reasserted his control.
"What happened?" asked Luke.
"Strange," said PDP-1. "I felt a momentary glitch in the Carrier. It's
equalized now."
"We're coming up on user space," called Solo from the CSR. As they
cruised safely through stack frames, the emerged in the new context
only to be bombarded by freeblocks.
"What the..." gasped Solo. The screen showed clearly: /usr/alderaan:
not found "It's the right inode, but it's been cleared! Twoie, where's
the nearest file?"
"3 to 5 there's one..." the Bookie started to say, but was interrupted
by a bright flash off to the left.
"Administrative TTY fighters!" shouted Solo. "A whole DZ of them!
Where are they coming from?"
"Can't be far from the host system," said Kenobi. "They all have
direct EIA connections."
As Solo began to give chase, the ship lurched suddenly. Luke noticed
the link count was at 3 and climbing rapidly.
"This is no regular file," murmured Kenobi. "Look at the ODS directory
structure ahead! They seem to have us in a tractor feed."
"There's no way we'll unlink in time," said Solo. "We're going in."
------------------------------------------------
When we last left Luke, the Milliamp Falcon was being pulled down to
the open collector of the Administrative Are-Em Star Workstation. Dec
Vadic surveys the relic as Administrative Flunkies search for
passengers...
"LS scan shows no one aboard, sir," was the report. Vadic was
unconvinced.
"Send a fully equipped Ncheck squad on board," he said. "I want every
inode checked out." He turned around (secondary channel) and stalked
off.
On board the Milliamp Falcon, .Luke was puzzled. "They just walked in,
looked around and walked off," he said. "Why didn't they see us?"
.Con smiled. "An old munchkin trick," he explained. "See that period
in front of your name?"
.Luke spun around, just in time to see the decimal point. "Where'd
that come from?" he asked.
"Spare decimal points lying around from the last time I fixed the
floating point accelerator," said .Con. "Handy for smuggling blocks
accross file system boundaries, but I never thought I'd have to use
them on myself. They aren't going to be fooled for long, though. We'd
better figure a way outa here."
------------------------------------------------
At this point (.) the dialogue tends to wedge. Being the editor and
in total control of the situation, I think it would be best if we sort
of gronk the next few paragraphs. For those who care, our heroes find
themselves in a terminal room of the Workstation, having thrashed
several Flunkies to get there. For the rest of you, just keep banging
the rocks together, guys. --Ed.
------------------------------------------------
"Hold on," said Con. "It says we have `new mail.' Is that an error?"
"%SYS-W-NORMAL, Normal, successful completion," said PDP-1. "Doesn't
look like it. I've found the inode for the Milliamp Falcon. It's
locked in kernel data space. I'll have to slip in and patch the
reference count, alone." He disappeared through a nearby entry point.
Meanwhile, RS232 found a serial port and logged in. His bell started
ringing loudly. "He keeps saying, `She's on line, she's on line',"
said 3CPU. "I believe he means Princess _LPA0:. She's being held on
one of the privileged levels."
------------------------------------------------
Once again, things get sticky, and the dialogue suffers the most
damage. After much handwaving and general flaming, they agree to
rescue her. They headed for the detention level, posing as Flunkies
(which is hard for most hackers) claiming that they had trapped the
Bookie executing an illegal racket. They reached the block where the
Princess was locked up and found only two guards in the header. --Ed.
------------------------------------------------
"Good day, eh?" said the first guard.
"How's it goin', eh?" said the other. "Like, what's that, eh?"
"Process transfer from block 1138, dev 10/9," said Con.
"Take off, it is not," said the first guard. "Nobody told US about it,
and we're not morons, eh?"
At this point (.), the Bookie started raving wildly, Con shouted "Look
out, he's loose!" and they all started blasting ROMs left and right.
The guards started to catch on and were about to issue a general wakeup
when the ROM blasters were turned on them.
"Quickly, now," said Con. "What buffer is she in? It's not going to
take long for these..."
The intercom receiver interrupted him, so he took out its firmware with
a short blast.
"guys to figure out something is goin' on," he continued.
------------------------------------------------
Ok, like, remember we left our heroes in the detention priority level?
Well, they're still there...
Luke quickly located the interface card and followed the cables to a
sound- proof enclosure. He lifted the lid and peered at the mechanism
inside.
"Aren't you a little slow for ECL?" printed princess _LPA0:.
"Wha? Oh, the Docksiders," stammered Luke. He took off his shoes (for
industry) and explained, "I've come relocate you. I'm Luke Vaxhacker."
Suddenly, forms started bursting around them. "They've blocked the
queue!" shouted Solo. "There's only one return from this stack!"
"OVER HERE!" printed _LPA0: with overstrikes. "THROUGH THIS
LOOPHOLE!" Luke and the princess disappeared into a nearby feature.
"Gritch, gritch," mumbled Two Bacco, obviously reluctant to trust an
Administrative oversight.
"I don't care how crufty it is!" shouted Con, pushing the Bookie
toward the crock. "DPB yourself in there now!"
With one last blast that reprogrammed two flunkies, Con joined them.
The "feature" landed them right in the middle of the garbage collection
data. Pieces of data that hadn't been used in weeks floated past in a
pool of decaying bits.
"Bletch!" was Con's first comment. "Bletch, bletch," was his second.
The Bookie looked as if he'd just paid a long shot, and the odds in
this situation weren't much better.
Luke was polling the garbage when he stumbled upon a book with the
words "Don't Panic" inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover.
"This can't possibly help us now," he said as he tossed the book away.
The Bookie was about to lay odds on it when Luke suddenly disappeared.
He popped up accross the pool, shouting, "This is no feature! It's a
bug!" and promptly vanished again.
Con and the princess were about to panic() when Luke reappeared. "What
happened?" they asked in parallel.
"I don't know," gasped Luke. "The bug just dissolved automagically.
Maybe it hit a breakpoint..."
"I don't think so," said Con. "Look how the pool is shrinking. I've
got a bad feeling about this..."
The princess was the first to realize what was going on. "They've
implemented a new compaction algorithm!" she exclaimed.
Luke remembered the pipe he had open to 3CPU. "Shut down garbage
collection on recursion level 5!" he shouted.
Back in the control room, RS232 searched the process table for the lisp
interpreter. "Hurry," sent 3CPU. "Hurry, hurry," added his other two
processors. RS232 found the interpreter, interrupted it, and altered
the stack frame they'd fallen into to allow a normal return.
------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, PDP-1 made his way deep into the core of the Workstation,
slipping from context to context, undetected through his manipulation
of label_t. Finally, causing a random trap (through nofault of his
own) he arrived at the inode table. Activity there was always high,
but the Spl6 sentries were too secure in their knowledge that no user
could interrupt them to notice the bug that PDP-1 carefully introduced.
On a passing iput, he adjusted the device and inode numbers,
maintaining parity, to free the Milliamp Falcon. They would be long
gone before the locked inode was diagnosed...
Unobserved, he began traversing user structures to find the process
where the Milliamp Falcon was grounded. Finding it and switching
context, he discovered his priority weakened suddenly. "That's not
very nice," was all he could say before the cause of the obstruction
became clear.
"I have been pausing a long time, PDP-1 Kenobi," rasped Dec Vadic. "We
meet again at last. The circuit has been completed."
They looped several times, locking byte sabers. Bit by bit, PDP-1
appeared to weaken. The fight had come into the address space of the
Milliamp Falcon, and provided the .di (diversion?) that allowed Luke
and the others to reassert control. Luke paused to watch the conflict.
"If my blade finds its mark," warned Kenobi, "you will be reduced to so
many bits. But if you slice me down, I will only gain computing
power."
"Your documentation no longer confuses me, old version," growled Vadic.
"my Role MASTER now."
With one stroke, Vadic sliced Kenobi's last word. Unfortunately, the
word was still in Kenobi's throat. The word fell clean in two, but
Kenobi was nowhere to be found. Vadic noticed his victim's uid go
negative, just before he disappeared. Odd, he thought, since uids were
unsigned...
Luke witnessed all this, and had to be dragged into the Milliamp
Falcon. Con Solo and Two Bacco maneuvered the Milliamp Falcon out of
the process, onto the bus and made straight for system space. 3CPU and
RS232 were idle, for once. Princess _LPA0: tried to print comforting
things for him, but Luke was still hung from the loss of his friend.
Then, seemingly from nowhere, he thought he heard PDP-1's voice say,
"May the carrier be with you."
--
From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and
Jim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgroup
rec.humor.funny.
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